The British Know How to Live
Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I hate staying home right now. It's just so annoying. It's like...when I get home, all of a sudden my happy world is gone. I know I'm sounding like a whiner right now, but it's just so...argh! My parents never stop fighting, and every so often they start talking about divorce/separation. When I was little I used to try to stop them from fighting and then give up and go to my room and cry. But after a while, I decided that their personal lives were no concern of mine. So I tried to separate myself from my parents. We haven't been close ever since. Whenever I heard a fight coming along, I would slink off to my computer and write. Normally something about a world that I wanted. But just gets to be a bit too much sometimes. I barely tell my mom anything...I never told my dad stuff anyway. My mom does nothing but yell and insult me, and my dad just discourages me and never listens to what I have to say. The only person I can really trust is my brother, but he's normally away at school. I just wish I could still be the girl I was a couple months ago. The girl who could just invent a fairytale world with her writing and sink into it. But now, it doesn't work that way. Reality is just too...real. I try to focus my mind on the future. I tell myself that my parents can go on sorting out their issues, but I need to focus on college and everything else. It's gotten to be so hard lately though. My friends are the only thing that have kept me going, and one of those friends I have recently lost, and getting her back probably won't happen, no matter how hard I try. I can't tell a lot of my friends what's on my mind, no matter how much I love them and no matter how close we are. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and letting everything out, but even that doesn't help...not that I've really tried. I know it's wrong, but what I've tried to do most of all is distance myself from my parents. First thing I do when I get home is go and do homework, then I go write, and maybe talk to some friends. I try to get away from home as often as possible, though I wish I hadn't been brought to this. I'm sure every teenager thinks this, but it feels like everything used to be so perfect, and then around the time I turned eleven, things started going down hill. Not that my parents ever had a great relationship. Even as a little girl, I can remember my parents fighting, and then me going to my room to cry. I would hear one of my parents getting their stuff together, and as I would come out to get a hug, I would get a shove into the wall in response, and then they would go to the otherside of the house, and shortly, I would hear a car pulling out of the garage. Ugh...I know I sound like a teenage drama queen, and that is what I am right now I guess. I just had to get it out somehow. So many of my friends constantly get grossed out when their parents start kissing in front of them, but that's what I dream about. I dream about having a normally household, filled with love. Sure, we would still have arguments, but it wouldn't come down to this. My whole house is glum and depressed. It's not just me who feels like this. My mom is always sulking and sometimes crying. My dad is generally quiet and distant. And me, I'm just in my own little world which I've created for myself. That's what I've been brought to. Creating an imaginary world for myself, because things sometimes got so bad I couldn't handle them anymore. First shout I heard, I would go into my room, light some incense, turn on my Harry Potter tapes, and write. No, it's not tha average person's cure for being depressed. Some people choose to simply sulk. Others choose to cry. Yet others choose to cut. As for sulking, I've tried, but I always force myself to realize that I'm wasting my life. As for crying, I've done enough of it, and if I can help it, I like to keep the tears from coming. As for cutting...please don't be offended by this, but I think it's frankly stupid. I don't see how inflicting pain on oneself will cure one of depression. And I don't even have depression. Like any other person, I just get depressed once in a while, but I try not to let the whole world know about it...which sounds ironic because I am posting a ridiculously long tribute to it on my blog. But anyway, thanks for reading (if you are), but most of all, I would like to thank my friend, the computer, for giving me Word to write in and Blogger to rant in. Ta for now.

posted at 8:41 PM
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Monday, February 14, 2005

Hello all. Well, I'm still sick, but I went to period one and two today...I left mainly because I had to get another MRI done on my knee, not because I was/am sick. Oh, and by the way, Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I am now officially Anna's valentine. She was so sweet today. So I get to school, and first thing that happens is Anna runs up to me in her little red outfit right by the lockers, gets down on one knee, holds up a pink carnation and goes, "Dasha, will you be my valentine?" and of course I said yes. It was very sweet. Anyway, I had musicals today, which was a bit tough on my voice, but it was fun anywho. We started blocking with lines finally, which was really cool, and Ms Walter is going to give us Brooklyn accent lessons. So woot. My mum took my AIM away, but I'm still going to be on, because she doesn't know about AIM express! I am such a bad girl...but I always clean up and do my homework before I go online...except now, but I'm sick, so that's different. But yes, I will go now, as I have nothing else to say, and feel like reading fanfiction instead of posting stuff.

posted at 10:24 AM
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Sunday, February 13, 2005

So, I just got back from my first Joyful Noise rehearsal. I think one thing was clear for all to see...DEXTER FRIGGIN HATES MY GUTS. First he pretended he didn't remember me, then he told me I had read too much and shouldn't read anymore (of the script) even though everyone had read more than me, and yes, it was evil, but Anna and I better read Moth's Serenade together! Hahahah Porch Light, hear my plight, I drink your light like nectar! We practically memorized that poem...not yes. I just read my dad my English project, and he is now amazed at the fact that the English language contains far too many words, most of which are useless synonyms for other words.

posted at 9:11 PM
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Hey everyone. I'm in a strange mood right now. I lost my voice again...and my nose is stuffy...aka I'm sick, but I'm still gonna go to rehearsal today, so too bad for you if I get you sick PYT people. I'm feeling a bit dull right now...maybe because I just read a very sad, at least so far, fanfic. Well, I've been like this all day. And I'm not depressed or anything. I just feel...useless...I have a crapload of homework to do, and I'm really out of it, so I'm having some issues with writing Shakespearian sonnets...spelling...reading...talking...thinking...hehe. So yeah, kinda weird. I had my chicken soup though, which is nice, but I'm not very hungry. It was so weird, I took my temperature today, and it said 93.9, so I'm like whoa that's low, so I took it again, and it said 93.9, so I waited a bit and I took it again, and it said 93.9, so I think I'm turning into an amphibian or a reptile. If I had to though, I would definitely not be a frog, because we dissected frogs at school, and if I had those insides I would die, but I think I would be a chameleon. I mean it would be so awesome to change need to spend money on 3 different colors of the same shirt, you just change your skin instead. As you can see, I am heading towards insanity here, so bear with me. And now my foot is starting to fall asleep, and it's vibrating for some reason, and now the desk is vibrating...but then this is probably just me being insane. Hm...what else do I need to ramble deadly history essay? Nah, too English assignment? Well that's not so bad since I finished it. I chose choice number four, so I wrote two sonnets as though I were Tybalt ranting about Romeo's presence at the Capulet ball...evil, evil Montague...ok I'm done ranting about English. Oh! More news: Green Day isn't playing in Cali AT ALL! Sooo unfair. Tina broke the news to me today...very very sad news...but at least she gets to go, so I'll make her tell me all about it...ow, I just got a sudden headache. Damn, I hate these...arg...and now it went away...and now it came back...and boy do I need to get out of the house except I can't because I have a ton of homework and then rehearsal but I am insane so that makes homework really hard so I don't know what to do and GAH. Ok. I'm done. Not really though. I will go continue to rant to my cat. Ta.
-Dasha the Insane.

posted at 1:42 PM
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